I’ll Have A Venti, No Whip, Possibly Hand Cuffs Iced Coffee

16 Aug
In preparation for the upcoming loss of self esteem weight loss competition, I decided to weigh in just to see where I am these days. I finally found my scale, packed at the bottom of winter clothes probably so I didn’t have to see it again for six months, and stepped on the lying son of a biscuit. Oh dear Jeebus it’s bad news. Very bad, epic train wreck, make me go throw up the last two months of meals and possibly cut my thighs off bad news. I text Carrie, tell her the tragic turn of events. She says, “It’s okay, we can do this. We’ll kick ass like we did when we were 24!”. “Okay”, I say, “right after I get off of the suicide prevention hot line and stop crying”.

I need peace, quiet and some alone time to search my soul and possibly kick myself in the ass for letting this happen. Again. So I went grocery shopping. I realize most people would rather poke their eyes out with their own tongue rather than grocery shop, but for whatever reason, I absolutely love it (read about that here). I find the world’s best parking spot, right outside the exit and in one of those fat parking spaces nestled between a curb and a cart return thingy. I skip out of my truck and walk to Starbuck’s. It’s not a long walk, but normally I would of hit the drive thru and then go park. Points are stacking up for me already! Yippee! I order my all time favorite low calorie, no sugar, no dairy because it makes me have bad bathroom , icy cold coffee cup of fabulous!
“What can I get started for you?”
“I would love a venti mocha frapaccino lite with soy and no sweetener.”
“Would you like the syrup added?”
“No thank you, no sugar. Please.”
“It tastes better with  an extra pump of chocolate!”
WTF! Which part of lite are you missing. Do I LOOK like I need EXTRA chocolate? My fucking scale needs therapy from this morning’s weigh in and you want to offer me more fat for my ass. Excellent, douche bag, now I will definitely need that suicide prevention line on speed dial.
“No. No thank you. I would not like any sugar, syrup, chocolate or any extra  other ass expanding ingredient added.”
Barista laughs, “Oh that is so funny!”
Bitch, I am not laughing. I am about to cross over from Very Happy to Get a Special Iced Coffee Cat into Fuck Suicide, I’d Rather Go to Jail for Punching You in the Head Cat. Now blend my coffee before an epic bitch battle breaks out here in your shiny hipster infested lobby. M’kay? It looks like my irritable, scrunchy eyebrow look has delivered the appropriate message, perhaps I will now get my coffee so I can go shopping and be happy.
“Did you want whipped cream? I always put extra!”
I will not kill her. I will not kill her…”No. Thank. Youuuu.”
Life sentence in prison averted and coffee in hand, I walk back to the grocery store and wrestle my cart out of the tangled mess at the door. I strap in my purse, get out my list and pen and look for all things green, leafy, healthy and on the perimeter of the store. Things are going awesome, I am calming down and starting to have big hopes and dreams about this contest and finally losing 75 pounds while I sip on my delicious iced coffee. And then they appeared. A screaming, fighting, back talking bunch of out of control monkey kids with oblivious parental units ignoring their bad behavior! I guess as long as the brats are bothering anyone but them , it”s okay. Wouldn’t you know it, I don’t have my tazer or Xanax with me so I quickly move on to the next aisle. More of them there. I look at my watch, is it five or something? Why am I seeing so many freaking people all of the sudden?  Where did my holistic shopping trip go? Fuck me! It’s the 15th and everyone just got paid and there will soon be a WWF smack down match going on by the meal deals and Little Debbie snack cakes! There will be no peace. No quiet. But that trip to jail is starting to look like a strong possibility.
You still have time to join the Fall Fabulous challenge! New rules, some more prizes and lots of company should you need to cry and murder your scale. Go sign up here!

13 Responses to “I’ll Have A Venti, No Whip, Possibly Hand Cuffs Iced Coffee”

  1. ilikebeerandbabies August 16, 2011 at 8:47 AM #

    Since I will probably gain all that you lose during this challenge, i may have to pass. Can there be a sidebar challenge for most gained while eating Doritos and watching Master Chef on the couch?


  2. christina August 16, 2011 at 10:34 AM #

    I m in it to win it biotches, so skip your ass to Starbucks and have a latte and a Biscut!

  3. Anonymity is Bliss August 16, 2011 at 11:41 AM #

    I also really love grocery shopping a whole lot.

  4. Anonymous August 16, 2011 at 1:14 PM #

    Don't ya hate the 50 questions at Starbuck's AFTER you have told them what you want?

  5. Anonymity is Bliss August 16, 2011 at 2:42 PM #

    I've commemorated the challenge with a new blog.


  6. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot August 16, 2011 at 2:58 PM #

    Miss. Bliss! I think you may want to kick some honey badger ass! Love the blog start and I will make sure I link you to the WIW posts 🙂 If I forget- a gentle reminder is welcome!

  7. Amanda Absolutely August 16, 2011 at 4:45 PM #

    Just sent my info and picture to your email as instructed on the FB page.

    First of all, having met you in person, I have a hard time believing you weigh over 200 pounds. You carry yourself so well and are so tall, you don't look fat at all. You are one hella sexy lady.

    Second, fuckity fuck fuck – to quote my favorite blogger. I just weighed myself for the contest and am seriously thinking that slitting my wrists and letting out all that blood will be a quick and permanent way to lose weight.

    Third, grocery shopping is my third favorite thing to do. I love grocery shopping.

    Fourth, our grocery store here has a Starbucks right inside the front door, next to the registers and bakery department. Evil bastards!

    Fifth – I love you!

  8. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot August 16, 2011 at 5:20 PM #

    Oh my- Mandy- after all of that I beg you to not murder yourself but marry me! LOL Love you back, sexy lady 🙂

  9. Amanda Absolutely August 16, 2011 at 9:39 PM #

    I accept, suicide averted. What are we going to do with/about The Man?

  10. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot August 16, 2011 at 9:42 PM #

    Same thing we've always done with him bwahahahahaha!

  11. Anonymity is Bliss August 16, 2011 at 10:11 PM #

    Sent!!! Sorry for lateness, the explanation is pinned to my lapel.. er, in the email =) If you don't get it let me know – I sent it from my iPod.

  12. Amanda Absolutely August 17, 2011 at 9:31 PM #

    I foresee The Man being a very happy camper. LOL

  13. Anonymous September 2, 2011 at 3:06 PM #

    I hate that- you take the time to tell them what you want and then it's 20 friggin' questions before you get your coffee.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: